Contrary to popular belief, I have lots of friends. Sure not everyone can see them, but I know they exist and that's all that matters. Take Rusty for example. Rusty's been lying low for the last few years because of a unique concern. Since a couple of his multiple personalities are communists, he's scared of being arrested for an unlawful gathering. So you can imagine my surprise when opening my mail I found this letter.
You know Bryan, I like you, you're not like the other people here in Squamish. Oh don't get me wrong, they're good people, fine Canadians. But they're content to sit back, crack open a Labatts 18 pack, and maybe watch a little Drew Carry on channel 57 . They're good, fine people Bryan but they don't' know, what those quote 'film crews' unquote are really doing to our town. Are you ready for "The Truth?"
It's the American's Bryan, they're planning a takeover and they're starting with Squamish. They get these so-called film crews to infiltrate our town and then see how we'll react to a "simulated" American invasion. And what do we do?. We welcome these modern day Trojans with open arms!
Let me take you back to a simpler time, April 2000 when I first became aware of the problem. First there was "Say It Isn't So" a witty, delightful romp (or so I'm told) about America's greatest pastime - incest. At first I thought nothing of it. It's nice to see people staying in our town, spending their money. The signs erected around town were also amusing. "Tee-hee look at that we're Beaver town USA." There was "Beaver Savings and Loan", "Beaver Bowl" and the town's favorite "Muffy's Steaming Beaver Café" these clever distractions took our mind off the fact that every Canadian flag suddenly disappeared replaced by the mighty red, white, and blue.
Much to the American's approval, few even batted an eye when our communities mural of hand prints was washed away to make room for an American welcome sign. Which brings me to the scene with the cows meandering down Cleveland avenue. No doubt just an elaborate analogy depicting the Americans herding of the Canadian people. No doubt they had a big laugh at that back in Washington! Then as quick as they came they were gone. And like the simple trusting fools we are we waved them good-bye offering them to come back whenever they want. Beware what you wish for!
Later still the evidence mounted as yet another production rolled into town without a peep. I bet you were just as shocked as I to see Cleveland avenue lamp standards proudly displaying our future masters colors of blood red, supreme white, and cold, calculating blue. They even went so far as to defecate on our beloved pavilion. And did we do anything about it. No! To the Yankee pig-dogs we just smiled politely and went about our business, playing right into their sneaky little hands.
The latest "filming" was entitled "Kevin Of The North". which had our beautiful town converted to an Alaskan wilderness. For an entire week they had their way with a major downtown street and did we make a fuss? No, we accepted our new overlords with open arms and had our streets littered with fake snow. Oh and I'm sure that stuff was just harmless movie magic. Surely it wasn't some mind altering agent of destruction first attaching to our shoes and by osmosis slipping into our bloodstream and securing itself to the frontal lobe making us oblivious to the immanent invasion! You'll excuse me if I wear tinfoil socks as a precautionary measure. Well there you have it Bryan, feel free to use this information at your own risk. Oh yeah, I'm not sure how our Mayor and Council are tied into this whole thing but I'm sure you'll work them in somehow. Keeping my good eye out for you, Rusty Shackleford.
Bryan's imaginary friends live in the immanent
battlefield that is Squamish.