Speed Racer
Director: Andy and Larry Wachowski
Cast: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman
Rated: PG
135 minutes
Visual seizure. That is it, that is all the description you need for this film, please move on… What? I have to elaborate? Well, if I must add another two words they would be ‘twitchingly long’.
Being a member of the original Speed Racer fan club I’m not surprised the Warchowski (Matrix) brother’s remake of the 60’s cult classic cartoon was bad. I just didn’t know it could be this bad.
Parents, do not let your children watch this film. It is physically painful due to the five million images a second with insanely bright continuous flashing.
The plot is simple and secondary to the visuals. Speed racer is a boy dreaming of becoming a race car driver. His superstar brother dies and soon Speed realizes that professional sports are fixed by a bunch of rich white crooks.
I might have been bad enough to be good if they cut 70 minutes. Unfortunately it’s so insanely long that all novelty is shredded, dyed, destroyed and spit on long before it reaches the checkered flag.
Honestly, you’re better off staring into a strobe light for a half hour. It will have the same effect and you’ll save one hundred and five minutes of your life.
If you do submit yourself to this eye poking experience you may want to wait a few minutes before driving. It literally takes a few moments for your brain to stop twitching and for your eyes to adjust from the physical assault they just endured.