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A Cagey Rusty (03.16.01)
Call me old fashioned, but I still like getting mail. Oh sure e-mail is fine and dandy but after a while I just get a little sick of deleting LIVE TEEN SEX!!! from my inbox every day. Regular mail on the other hand offers mostly bills, that, and flyers showing you all the wonderful things you can buy to get more bills. Every once in a while though, something wonderful happens. As you separate the 'final notice' from the 'they'll never notice', it appears like a manila angel. a letter from a friend.
Hey there Bryan,
Well let me tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue, but it sure
is good for a fella named Rusty.
Remember in school those aptitude tests we took that said you should be a customer service representative, or a mortician? Well who knew mine would have been so accurate. that's right buddy, I'm a cult leader. Well actually I prefer the term mystical guide, mainly for the robes and great parking at sporting events.
Allow me to explain. It all started when I heard 9 words that shocked me straight; "Drought on the West Coast of Canada in winter" Drought? As in no water? What the hell is going on? Everyone only made matters worse by repeatedly saying what wonderful weather we've been having. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy summer midriffs as much as the next guy, but half-naked girls eating ice cream in February is W-R-O-N-G! And I was going to do something about it.
As per usual, my immediate "I'm going to do something about it" target was 'the man'. But it didn't seem right this time. Seeing as how, for years now, I have likened "the man" to a generic 30 something white Yankee pig-dog, laying off workers to make a bigger profit so he can afford the those great breast implants for the missus. No this time my target was bigger, I'm going right to the source, I'm going after Mother Nature Herself. That's right M n' N (Her street name) seems to be a little pissed off at us, for messing around with her stuff.
Does she have reason to be pissed off? Oh sure she does. But no more than the Gerry did at the end of W.W.II. You see she's basically just a sore loser having difficulty dealing with the fact that she lost the war against the almighty consumer machine. Hey I'm no hugger by any stretch of the imagination, but anyone can see that the crap we've been pouring into the oceans, air, and earth have caused irreparable damage and now the wheels are in motion that simply can't be stopped.
But why? Has anyone really tried to stop her? Maybe it's
time to get organized.
So it was with grim determination and a belly of fire that I proceeded
immediately to the bar. There with the usual scalawags and rapscallions
the seed was planted that would become the all-powerful organization "ME
First!" or as one of our more zealous members wanted us to be called
"Earth First? Not bloody likely!"
Basically we're out there promoting Mother Nature awareness. For instance, did you know that there have been several reports of old man winter actually being held captive in M n' N's home for bitter deities. And that's just the tip of the ever-melting iceberg. Earthquakes, ha, the inevitable earthquake is going to be a piece of cake compared to the crazy weather patterns we're going to get. Maybe even crazier than a drought in winter on the West Coast of Canada. Oh, and how's this for organized, we're even going to be on-line at snugglebunnies.com, (I still can't believe mothernatureisabitch.com was taken)
Well there you have it Bryan, I'll keep you posted as to our progress, we're thinking of a pancake breakfast fundraiser if the weather is good this weekend.
Keeping my good eye out for you,
Rusty Shackleford.
PS. M n' N insiders tell me you're right. The day
your bike arrives is the day it starts raining until November.
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