Up front: I was a young boy when Transformers hit the
screen lo those 20 years ago.
This time out the film opens with an Optimus Prime monologue about the “Allspark”, a cube the Decepticons want so they can eradicate humanity. Then there is a quick battle scene with a robot destroying a US military base. Then for the next hour there are no robots just a bad teen comedy with Shia LaBoeuf trying to woo the cleavage of Megan Fox.
When the Autobots do appear, unlike previous incarnations they are devoid of personality and can only spout internet learned catchphrases. Except for Optimus who still has the same ‘save humanity’ speeches he’s told a hundred times before.
The film was watchable save for the obscenely unrelenting and inappropriate GMC product placements. No matter how dirty and violent the action gets the Autobots GM logos were always front, center and gleaming.
Meanwhile the actual battle scenes, while entertaining, were confusing. So many small, ever shifting parts made it impossible to distinguish one robot from another.
So, does the recent incarnation live up to the childhood memories of
Saturday mornings with sugar frosted chocolate bomb cereal? Of course
not. But in a two and a half hour movie there’s still an hour of
battling robots so it’s not a total waste.